My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
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me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*