A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered-
Pixar: Gee it’s kinda dark
…Ok a FISH is-
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.
She just gave you her stomach virus.
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–
*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..
*Flintstones theme song plays*
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Sometimes late at night in bed i wonder what life choices do i have to make to be the guy who says ‘yeah’ in the background of hip hop songs