My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.