@gmossii

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

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@iamspacegirl

A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered-

Pixar: Gee it’s kinda dark

…Ok a FISH is-

Pix: YES.

@Jandalize

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

@JB4Realz

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

@sad_tree

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

@goldengateblond

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

@Reverend_Scott

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

@dshack8

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

@daplusk

Sometimes late at night in bed i wonder what life choices do i have to make to be the guy who says ‘yeah’ in the background of hip hop songs