My dog when she hears popcorn popping
You Might Also Like
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no