I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously