@just1fool: My dog wouldn't shut up so I told him I killed the mailman. He was jealous but proud of me.
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@vineyille: Office fun: replace your coworker's mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him "baby hands" until he quits
@causticbob: God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan"
@murrman5: Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let's combine forces and we could be the best thing since...well we'll think of that later.
@BuckyIsotope: The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.