Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
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Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
#SuperBowl
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.