My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
You Might Also Like
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Here’s a meme
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
constantly working on myself.