Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
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Not my job 😂
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Running from your problems is cardio .
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell