@chrisdowning

My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.

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@thispartyislame

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

@truegritrumble

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

@girl_a_whirl

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

@3sunzzz

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

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@theNuzzy

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

@dksc4life

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.