@lovejulieacafe

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

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@DaddyJew

6: can u get me a drink?

Me: no, you’re 6yo. You can get your own drink

6: fine *goes to fridge

Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?

@TheProvenFacts

The average human body contains enough human bones to make up an entire human skeleton.

@TheReal_AndyMac

One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.

@MurphyMcLachlan

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

@OtherDanOBrien

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

@ourvoyagemusic

I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says “May contain almonds.” What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

@SkippyMcGizzard

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra