6: can u get me a drink?
Me: no, you’re 6yo. You can get your own drink
6: fine *goes to fridge
Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
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The average human body contains enough human bones to make up an entire human skeleton.
One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says “May contain almonds.” What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra