My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

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6: can u get me a drink?

Me: no, you’re 6yo. You can get your own drink

6: fine *goes to fridge

Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?


The average human body contains enough human bones to make up an entire human skeleton.


One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.


Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately


What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot


*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you


I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says “May contain almonds.” What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?


Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.


*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra