My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
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Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!