My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
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Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
it’s finally my moment to shine
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.