@Pork_Chop_Hair

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

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@dumbbeezie

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

@mrjohndarby

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

@Shade510

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

@TheTweetOfGod

America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.

@ddsmidt

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

@ADHDeanASL

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

@NicestHippo

“Are you sure this lawyer is good?”
Yeah, why?
“He pronounced sue like sway”

@mammascorpio_r

How to make meals for toddlers:

Step 1. Choose any food.

Step 2. Throw it away.

@Mostly_Cheese

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.