I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
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waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
“Are you sure this lawyer is good?”
“He pronounced sue like sway”
How to make meals for toddlers:
Step 1. Choose any food.
Step 2. Throw it away.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.