My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

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Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”


“chill before serving” is the best advice I can think of if you’re an angry waitress


“Your name is Duck?”
It’s Doug.
“Yeah. Duck”
“Got it. Duck”
Go fuGG yourself
“Haha. Classic Duck”


Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.


There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.


I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.


Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid


Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.


ASTRONAUT: Houston, we have a problem.
HOUSTON: Oh, we’re fine down here, thanks for asking. Let’s make this all about you though, as usual.