Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@dumbbeezie

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

@KeetPotato

“chill before serving” is the best advice I can think of if you’re an angry waitress

@Sickayduh

“Your name is Duck?”
It’s Doug.
“Yeah. Duck”
Doug.
“Duck?”
DouGGG
“Got it. Duck”
Go fuGG yourself
“Haha. Classic Duck”

@LoveNLunchmeat

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

@Jandalize

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

@deadbearrising

The ducks get even

@Dawn_M_

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

@GrantTanaka

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

@thesulk

Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.

@jwoodham

ASTRONAUT: Houston, we have a problem.
HOUSTON: Oh, we’re fine down here, thanks for asking. Let’s make this all about you though, as usual.