My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
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Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?