@Dana_Bruno

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

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@seamussaid

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

@thejamietighe

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

@KrispyTacoBelle

High maintenance? Is that when you get stoned and fix random shit around the house?

@clichedout

nurse: height

me: i’m 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

@KimmyMonte

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

@kDuncanG

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

@abbycohenwl

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe