I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
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*turns off life support*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
High maintenance? Is that when you get stoned and fix random shit around the house?
me: i’m 6’4″
me: wait for what
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
[In the middle of shootout]
Hey, can I borrow your chapstick?
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe