Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
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Ed Sheeran: Darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re 70…
What girls hear: You’re gonna dump me at 71.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
If you see a white guy in earbuds convulsing angrily with T. Rex arms, don’t freak out. I’m just jamming out to Eminem.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
robber: give me the money! *points gun at cashier*
cashier: wait thats just a blow dryer
nervous snowman patron: please just do as he says!
Dude the goverment isn’t spying on you. You’re not interesting
*meanwhile in a secret base*
“dont let him say that to you. You’re amazing”
“Hi?” -First cow being milked
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.