My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

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Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.


Ed Sheeran: Darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re 70…

What girls hear: You’re gonna dump me at 71.


Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich


If you see a white guy in earbuds convulsing angrily with T. Rex arms, don’t freak out. I’m just jamming out to Eminem.


Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.


robber: give me the money! *points gun at cashier*
cashier: wait thats just a blow dryer

nervous snowman patron: please just do as he says!


Dude the goverment isn’t spying on you. You’re not interesting
*meanwhile in a secret base*
“dont let him say that to you. You’re amazing”


What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.


HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.