My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
You Might Also Like
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My god she’s good.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist