“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
You Might Also Like
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Wake me when AI does housework
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*