My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
You Might Also Like
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Just so funny
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.