My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
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Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score