my drafts folder is a lot like all of my exes. they totally made sense in my head at the time, but now I cringe when I look at them.

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what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?


When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.


Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.


Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.


I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”


Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry


there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.


Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles


If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.


leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine