@NervousJr

my drafts folder is a lot like all of my exes. they totally made sense in my head at the time, but now I cringe when I look at them.

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@PaperWash

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

@jellybnbonanza

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

@tastefactory

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

@bazecraze

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

@mommajessiec

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

@egg_dog

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

@danadonly

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

@meatlobes

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

@stupidityHQ

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

@VanGobot

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine