Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
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If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
all that yoga finally paid off
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?