No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
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I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us