My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
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I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
She puts the hot in psychotic
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy