My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.