BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
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I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!