@fart

my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.

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@joynessthebrave

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

@hazelmotes1

Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I’m only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.

@dihorla

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

@Duke1173

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

@craigdtull

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

@StickyickyBuns

Is there an app to delete your number out of other people’s phones yet?

@allisulli

LOL”Twitter is better with friends. We found some people you might know”. Block Block Block Block