my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.

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This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.


Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I’m only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.


I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.


They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.


Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.


Is there an app to delete your number out of other people’s phones yet?


LOL”Twitter is better with friends. We found some people you might know”. Block Block Block Block