4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
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[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
yeah no that’s fair
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.