@Shock_Monster

My dream job? That’s easy:

Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.

That’s Old School Twitter.

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@MartaEffing

Yes, you take my breath away… But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don’t be so flattered.

@AndrewChamings

[having sex] this is the best sex I’ve ever had

her: ok let’s take your bike helmet off tho

@mytoecold

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

@ValeeGrrl

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

@caithuls

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

@RandomlyMJ

8 out of 10 men prefer not to date psychotic women with bad tempers, emotional baggage and daddy issues.

To the other two….

Hi, I’m MJ

@jacaristar

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

@KeetPotato

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
wtf
“woah wait its back on again”
no way
“great he’s stole my nose now”
im phoning the police

@iheartgunts

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

@better_off_dad

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.