My dream job? That’s easy:

Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.

That’s Old School Twitter.

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Yes, you take my breath away… But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don’t be so flattered.


[having sex] this is the best sex I’ve ever had

her: ok let’s take your bike helmet off tho


I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)


Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.


PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand


8 out of 10 men prefer not to date psychotic women with bad tempers, emotional baggage and daddy issues.

To the other two….

Hi, I’m MJ


My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever


[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
“woah wait its back on again”
no way
“great he’s stole my nose now”
im phoning the police


I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.


‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.