My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
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Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Fact: There comes a point in every manβs life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[at work]
me in my 20βs: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i donβt eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Someone just wished me βHappy Holidaysβ and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume Iβd ever want to be happy.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I donβt like you.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok thatβs fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, itβs so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people