My dress code is business-casualty.
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You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My dad.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
New tinder profile pic
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…