My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
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No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
My love language is deader than Latin
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…