I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
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I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no