The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
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Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
😅😅😅
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides