A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
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Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food