My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
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Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
what’s more important?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF