@ndiquote

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

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@amydillon

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

@LindaInDisguise

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

@QwertyJones3

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

@sarcasticmommy4

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!

@UrFavAsianGuy

I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I’m Asian.

@ArfMeasures

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

@Audenary

Me: But can robots write poetry?!

Droid: We do not cry / when we are small / for we were never born at all

Me: [Choking back tears] Dude

@Ohhialypie

Girls: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Guys: I don’t mind
Girls: Like a huge mess
Guys: ok
Girls: Like dead bodies on fire
Guys: ok

@FeelingMervis

DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.