My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

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#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies


Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos


Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.


“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks


I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry


Once the cats learn to monetize their own content they will own us.


If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.


I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.


It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.