@ndiquote

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

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@briangaar

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies

@CArmanthegirl

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

@richardosman

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

@juneohara65

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

@ANastyGorilla

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

@ZipperMouth_

Once the cats learn to monetize their own content they will own us.

@Carbosly

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

@JustBeingEmma

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

@dixonshuman

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.