“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
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Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I’m Asian.
Me: Will you marry me?
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Me: But can robots write poetry?!
Droid: We do not cry / when we are small / for we were never born at all
Me: [Choking back tears] Dude
Girls: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Guys: I don’t mind
Girls: Like a huge mess
Girls: Like dead bodies on fire
DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)