My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
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Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason