My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
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[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I think my mom just blocked me
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
going to the ER y’all need anything
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.