my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
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Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.