My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
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wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
huge valentines day plans this year!!
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.