@skittle624

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

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@existentialcoms

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

@Darlainky

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

@KrangTNelson

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

@TheCiscoKidder

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

@KrissiBex

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

@marsboyroy

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

@david8hughes

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

@junejuly12

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.