The developers of Apple Maps first big mistake was not calling it Mapples.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
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People think having 5 sets of grandparents rules as kid on Xmas, and it does, but you pay for it on the back end having to go to 97 funerals
Imma need the barbs, beyhive, k pop stan Twitter, navy, and retired 1D stans to join forces and rig this election. I know y’all can do it
Everyone wanted to go viral so bad.
Universe: You got it.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it