@skittle624

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

You Might Also Like

@emilioherce

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

@MrMeeseechistic

There are 8 types of people in the world

-People who are A+
-People who are A-
-People who are B+
-People who are B-
-People who are AB+
-People who are AB-
-People who are O+
-People who are O-

@Manda_like_wine

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

@AndyJokedAgain

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

@JasonLastname

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

@Browtweaten

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

@Darlainky

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

@Cpin42

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.