My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

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What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.


Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane


windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers


Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.


My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media


Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.


[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees


My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.