My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
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If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….