Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
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HER: so like, what are you into?
HER: no way, me too!
There are 8 types of people in the world
-People who are A+
-People who are A-
-People who are B+
-People who are B-
-People who are AB+
-People who are AB-
-People who are O+
-People who are O-
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.