My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
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I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
We decided to have money instead of children.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.