My GFs good traits:
Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon
Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
You Might Also Like
Buddy, If you get in a fight with me there’ll only be 2 “hits”; You hitting me and my screams of pain hitting 100 decibels.
Me: Alexa am I drunk?
Roll of paper towels:
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
*2 days before payday*
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
“Are you seeing anyone?”
Me: lately I’ve been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision.
Floaty thing: We’re just friends.
For every person pleased at meeting their TC in real life. Another 762 are climbing out of bathroom windows and smashing their phone.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in