@man_spach

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

You Might Also Like

@Douchekevin

My GFs good traits:

Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon

Bad traits:

Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon

@jazmasta

Buddy, If you get in a fight with me there’ll only be 2 “hits”; You hitting me and my screams of pain hitting 100 decibels.

@einsteinsexual

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

@brianbowman73

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

@wittwitbarista

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

@RdrJay47

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

@cbdoubleu

“Are you seeing anyone?”

Me: lately I’ve been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision.

Floaty thing: We’re just friends.

@BritXNic

For every person pleased at meeting their TC in real life. Another 762 are climbing out of bathroom windows and smashing their phone.