My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
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[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Battery falling down a hole
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away