my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community

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I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.


I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets


After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet


We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//


Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.


I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.


– Baby, I just want everything to be like it was at the beginning.
– When we first met?
– No, before that.


I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.


Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.