My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
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my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
oh u like geography? name every lake
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.