Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
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Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Monday
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport