My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

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The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.


[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’


OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*


After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.


I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened


Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.


After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.


ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.