The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
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[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Because you can’t hang up in person.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
*gets down on one knee*
UPPERCUTS MORTAL KOMBAT STYLE
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.