My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
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I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
uh oh
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.