@nigburt

My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one

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@skickwriter

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

@pizzajaynow

When someone yawns, I like to yell “Surprise Dentist!” and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I’m not really a dentist.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

@mishakey

If I can see your boner I’m going to acknowledge it with a subtle head nod. Respect.

@theconradical

Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon

God: yo I gotchu

God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*

Me: wait no

@Jake_Vig

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

@JustBeingEmma

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

@JohnLyonTweets

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

@AnniemuMary

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.