Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one
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When someone yawns, I like to yell “Surprise Dentist!” and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I’m not really a dentist.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
If I can see your boner I’m going to acknowledge it with a subtle head nod. Respect.
Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon
God: yo I gotchu
God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*
Me: wait no
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.