Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
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Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.