I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
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A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.