My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
You Might Also Like
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
choose your fighter
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings