My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
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I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Nothing.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce