Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
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Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
My neighbours loved that song so much, they threw a rock in my window to hear it better.
I made a graph that describes every human relationship I’ve had
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
The awkwardness of my life is equivalent to when somebody says “Happy Birthday” and you say “Thanks you too!”
God: They will have a powerful immune system
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice