@KrunkedRobot

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

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@DrDogMD

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

@LostFelicia

No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

@bader_diedrich

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

@AndrewNadeau0

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

@amydillon

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

@KattsDogma

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

@GarryShandling

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

@causticbob

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

@jon_snow_420

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs