@ravenswng_

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

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@thepaulasuzanne

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

@KrunkedRobot

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

@GreenishDuck

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

@PoonWhisperer1

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

@9to5Life

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

@thatdutchperson

My life would have been very different had I done anything with the same intensity as brushing my teeth on the day of a dentist appointment.

@jctwritesstuff

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

@sofarrsogud

He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

@AndyShulk

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

@jergarl

I’d like to think I have a decent eye for fashion and my wife is like “OMG REMEMBER WHEN THAT HOBO PUT MONEY IN YOUR COFFEE LOL?”