My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

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In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour


Me: I get no support from my wife, even when doing the crossword
Therapist: I hope you don’t get too down
Me: Oh God, Doc, you as well


*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)


This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.


Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.


Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn


? Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ?
and cousins toooo ?


10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.