My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
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*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
We found love in a hopeless place.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop