My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

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ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?


My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person


Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…


I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.


I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of soda, but when I awoke I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.


the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats


which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose


Maybe the reason that goats are so angry is because they don’t have hands to stroke those magnificent beards with while pondering quandaries


One day I’ll take a trip around the world to see if people are this stupid everywhere.


I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.