@Contwixt

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

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@TheSeanBrewster

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

@batkaren

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

@JLazySAngus

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

@Integrity_Guy

You’re allowed to steal shit from the mall. The security guards don’t care. They’re there to shoot the mannequins if they come to life.

@WilliamAder

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

@murrman5

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

@flashember

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

@pplwtching

I just forgot about some nachos in the oven, don’t tell me about your hopes and dreams going up in flames.