@Contwixt

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

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@RedRegenerated

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

@pharmasean

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

@pittdave13

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

@envydatropic

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

@Eagle_Vision

I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of soda, but when I awoke I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.

@seamussaid

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

@funflaps

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

@jazmasta

Maybe the reason that goats are so angry is because they don’t have hands to stroke those magnificent beards with while pondering quandaries

@tsm560

One day I’ll take a trip around the world to see if people are this stupid everywhere.

@UncleDuke1969

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.