@SondraDeeMe

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

You Might Also Like

@kelkulus

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

@AristotlesNZ

If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we’d all be dead.

@Brianhopecomedy

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

@MrMichaelRose

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

@HausOfAustin

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

@Shakti_Shetty

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

@GuyThe_Guy

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

@Playing_Dad

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.