My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

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Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.


Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!


If a soccer player falls in the forest and nobody is there to see it, do they still flail their arms and cry and act like a big dumb baby?


What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.


Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”


The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.


My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.


date: im really into old movies

me: [nodding] shrek came out 19 years ago


My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.


I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.