@SondraDeeMe

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

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@dlockw21

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

@slimmy_shady

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

@markleggett

If a soccer player falls in the forest and nobody is there to see it, do they still flail their arms and cry and act like a big dumb baby?

@Darlainky

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

@Rollinintheseat

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

@noog

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

@heybuddy_comic

date: im really into old movies

me: [nodding] shrek came out 19 years ago

@ilovepie84

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

@3sunzzz

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.