My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

You Might Also Like


It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”


If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we’d all be dead.


Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.


I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them


Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.


*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*


So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?


“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.