My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
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My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.