I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
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A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I can’t stop watching this.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol